A little something I wrote

Why can't I ever have something for me? It always seems as if it is within my reach and then it is snatched away from me. No warning just gone, my dad and HIM. How I long for the night when I can get into bed and I will be falling asleep beside HIM, and not just any him but HIM. That is all I want is to be with HIM I don't want anyone else. I try so hard to hold on to the fact that what is meant to be will be, but how long do I have to wait for what is meant to be, to be? Six long months and I still have this longing as if he left yesterday. Pinching myself to see if this is reality, I pinch and I feel, so this is real. All I can do now is hope things will find themselves the way they use to be between HIM and I, so that we can be an US.

Sixth Sense?

My sixth sense is not exactly what I would call it, but there really is no other way to describe it. I have this amazing ability to see and find out things without even looking for them or studying a situation. It is sort of bad because in some instances I believe ignorance is bliss and in this situation I believe that it would have been best.

So today I was on the good old facebook, I know nothing good could come after saying that but here goes. So I was just browsing and I see this picture of a girl, and I say to myself that is the type of chick dude likes. Mind you I don't fit in this mold. So I wonder why he liked me when physically I am the opposite of everyone else I have ever known him to be with, anyway. I am not saying that to be mean because personally I have self esteem issues, but I know his type from the incident that basically ended us. Something told me to click on the profile and I do and so I decide to look at this chicks pictures and guess who I see DUDE. Him and some chick he used to talk to were all hugged up and what not. My feelings are not hurt though, apparently they don't talk anymore but whatever. I just think that it is weird that I just came across that so randomly because of all the people I would have looked at to maybe see some pics of him it would not have been hers because I have no idea who the chick is. Oh well I thought that was interesting and now I am done. Even though he and I have been over for months I can't help but think that one day my phone is going to ring and it will be him. Maybe one day I will wake up and he won't cross my mind.

The thought of that day scares me, but it also excites me because it means I have moved on with my life and I haven't done that yet. However I don't think that day will come anytime soon because even though I have never told anyone I guess you could say I love him. Seeing as how I have never felt that way about anyone before I think that this feeling is going to be a hard one to kick. He is graduating next week and I thought about getting him a card and writing him a note and just let him know that I am proud of him because I know that this road has not been easy for him and to just let him know I care. However I am such a chicken when it comes to those things, that I don't think I can follow through. It is the worst feeling in the world for me to know how I feel about him and know that the feeling is not as strong or mutual. Maybe if I did I could move on with my life because all the cards are out on the table on that front but I am unsure. I asked my friend and of course she was all for that because she likes him and believes that we will get back together. I don't know I am confused, any insight is welcome. Even though I doubt I will follow it, an outside perspective would be nice.

Well I have been doing good since my last post. I still had a few moments where I have cried but crying is what I do lol. I have decided that I really had to turn the situation over to God, because prayer changes things I really and truly believe that. So I am waiting for that change, I am not a patient person so I am also praying for patience until that change comes. I have had dreams that involve similar subjects and when I looked them up they both stated that it involved change, so maybe that is a sign that I just have to hold on a little longer because things are going to change. Regardless of my dreams I KNOW things will change. Well I have two papers to write between now and Wednesday so I am going to go contemplate working on one of them now.

Letting go of the bull

Well this weekend I decided that as much as I care for a certain someone they either don't feel that way about me or are just too busy doing them to worry about me. So I have decided that I am doing me from now on. Every few months I say this but I really am going to get my mind clear, because I shouldn't spend such valuable time worrying about a nigga who ain't worrying about me. Doing me means the tears have got to stop and I have got to stop thinking about him so much. That is going to be a hard one but I have done all that I can do. The doing is now up to him. I came to this conclusion after sending him a b-day text and getting nothing in response, when I sent it I hyped myself up to not expect anything in return but I did expect a thanks something and I got nothing. I tried to convince myself that maybe he didn't get it because it is unusual for him not to respond to my text but I don't know, and I am not trying to find out. The situation is over and done maybe one day he will call me but for now or for at least the next two weeks I am not contacting him because I can't deal with the not knowing. Well I am going to watch a some TV before I call it a night.